freaking out on the inside since 1981

i feel like an anachronism most of the time.  i really truly feel sane only around maybe two of my closest friends and matt.  thank god for matt, he’s so into learning and he cares about the things that lace around my brain, even the circus freakshow-quality stuff.  but other people, not so much.  to be completely honest i don’t think that anyone would ever notice that i feel compatible with only .0000000003% of humanity.  i don’t think it appears that way on the outside because i genuinely LIKE people.  i like talking to them.  i just.  only share that freaky wavelength connect with so few.

the british girl, she’d never heard the word “fatwa”.  i don’t think she appreciated my humorous lesson.  but she’s a nice person.  and it’s certainly not like i will ever understand anything about cells or assays or drug compounds, except that you probably shouldn’t drink them from their little test tubes.  i am atrociously bad at many things.  today my brain refused to even attempt to rise to the challenge of understanding Health Care Provider Representatives.  these men had nice suits and clean visages.  they told me, jovially, that they just Could Not understand how We Teachers did it.  i took a look at their spreadsheets and forms and loveless trysts with the federal goverment and i said, No, First-Name-Only Suit Men.  i just don’t understand how YOU do it.

all this to say.  a girl recently looked at me like i was an ALIEN when i told her that i didn’t really charge, or ever really attempt to find, my cell phone.  like.  looked at me like i had flesh eating bacteria or a still-birthed twin growing from the left side of my head.  this girl was merely an old friend of matt’s, i’ll probably never see her again.  if i do i’ll be glad but i’m certainly sure that she’ll give me that look again.  that GET WITH THIS CENTURY look.  i hate text messaging.  i hate how lives, memories, events among “friends” have become this sad little tribal gathering of technology.  i don’t know if this is true, maybe i’m being unfair, but i feel as if i haven’t had a real conversation in months (thankfully, this excludes matt).  it makes me miss the people i knew in boston.  they were lushes and museum go-ers and pixies lovers and charles swimmers.  i had a friend who worked so hard that he forgot to pay his heating bill one february.  sure enough, on a particular bender of chill, the company cut his power.  he just kept forgetting to pay.  forgetting one day, forgetting the next.  all the while genial and vaguely befuzzled as to his fate.  but he was the smartest person i knew in boston.  he forgot to pay his heating bill for months.  but he’d read everything, bulgakov hardy hawking.  and he was incorrigible about cigarettes.  but anyone he met he’d spark the interest of.  he knew art and the nerdiest intricacies of statistics.  i miss him and everybody like that.  they had things to say.  they made me feel inferior but oh i tried.

i was trying to put it into words this morning; figured i’d fare better by way of blog.  it doesn’t look to be the case.  just know that there’s a longing in my heart for some true hearts.  i’d post some WANTED signs around town if i felt that they would corral more insightful people into my life.  i would never consider myself ‘above’ anyone else.  i love children and teachers and clerks and (sometimes) my taxi drivers and mechanics and people who love film and people who don’t.  i guess i just feel, at the moment, very DIFFERENT from the people around me.  i just long for kindred spirits.  people whose eyes flare up when you say things about cargo cults or the way caravaggio got what was coming to him.  people who laugh when you are sheepish about being without cellphone and say omigosh… me too!